My family lost one of our friends to pancreatic cancer this past week. Growing up, my parents looked to her and her husband and some of the smartest people they knew, and so I grew to look at them in the same way. This family friend was the first person I ever sent my resume to, looking for advice and criticism so that I could make it better. This woman taught me how to play canasta and other card games, and had this amazing ability to bring people together. I never really knew her to be in a bad mood, and she always was curious about what my sisters and family were doing in our lives. Cancer sucks.
Then you see the other side of the spectrum - childhood friends getting married, friends getting engaged, people you know having babies (and them coincidentally giving their child the same name as you...first and middle), etc., and you feel this crestfallen irony that all of this really is a circle of life. (Circle of life here...)
I know where I am going to school next year (for physical therapy school), actually, where I am going starting this summer, but it hasn't really set in yet. I start school in about a month, but haven't really embraced the idea that I will be stepping into this track that will leave me with not only a lot of debt, but with a doctorate and a clear direction in life. Should I be making it a bigger deal? Should I be more excited? Maybe I "should" be reacting however I am reacting - whatever comes natural, right? The only problem with my "natural" is that I realize my emotions after the fact, usually...Maybe I'll have a meltdown in the middle of my summer anatomy class. That sounds more like myself.
I'm going to be moving into an apartment with my boyfriend and living off of his money (well, for the most part). This is unnerving - I am getting cold feet, and feeling as though I am "trapping" him in this situation. I've been moody, almost to a fault, as this is my way of "giving him an out". Terrible, right?
There's the conundrum of wanting to spend lots of time with your family before you go to a place 350 miles away, but then doing so, and wanting to be as far away from your family as possible. I think holiday gatherings make this evident.
But I guess this is what life is about - sifting through everything and figuring out what makes you "you". This year back at home has been a year of learning about myself. However, I am getting increasingly antsy to learn about something and be in school...gives me less time to think about myself - I think we all do better when we're thinking outside of ourselves.
Now, everyone go for a run tomorrow and celebrate the #bostonmarathon!
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